Don’t panic! This was a non-lethal attack upon my personhood by a rose bush!
Yesterday, after sitting at my computer for nearly 5 hours, my body couldn’t stand it anymore and begged me to get up and move. Inspired by the guy across the street who was raking his lawn, I decided to get outside and do a little yard work. It was 4:30 and the sky was beginning to darken, but there was enough time and light for me to see that the yard was filled with little sticks that needed picking up.
One stick led to another and I finally decided to really get aggressive and rake under the broken tree near the garage. What I forgot was that a very old and dangerous rose bush was entangled in the tree’s branches. The closer I raked the more danger I encountered and it didn’t take more than a minute before I was attacked.
First the thorns hooked my hat! I pulled back, my hat stayed hooked, dangling from the nasty branch. I moved forward and Yikes! Now it had me by the hair! As I tried to work out the thorns, another caught me on my glasses. cutting across my eyebrow! This was serious! I pulled back, the thorny branch came with me. Ouch! I was stuck. My hat was gone, my hair entangled and now my eyeglass frames were caught up in my fight for life and liberty!
It took great patience and fortitude for me to very slowly, slowly, free myself from the thorny tangle. I did not suffer too many scars, thank the stars above. But! This was now war and the bush was doomed!
I got out the branch clippers: big yellow handled tool with very sharp cutting blades — and I took my revenge.
I’m pleased to announce: that rose bush has been unentangled from the tree, cut back to the ground where it will begin to grow again this spring — but only according to my wishes, and within a confined trellis that I will purchase at Job Lot, my local, very favorite store in all the world.
Of course, now I’ve got a whole load of dangerous thorny branches lying in a pile in the middle of the yard. Anyone got a wood chipper?